"Why Not Go Unless He Tells You To Stay?"

I was blessed as a college student, and then as an InterVarsity staffworker to attend Urbana - the mission conference held once every three years in Illinois. The music and the speakers I heard there still reverberate in my heart to this day - even though I attended years ago - in 1993 and 1996.

One such speaker was Marilyn Stewart. She had been a missionary in Mexico for a long while and I loved hearing her testimony about how that came to be. She had been attracted to missionary work, and prayed about whether it was for her. She said that when she prayed, and didn't hear from God she figured she was "a stayer". I remember she said she shared this with a "wise missionary man" who said to her, "Why does God have to tell you to go? Why not go unless he tells you to stay?" And from that moment she began to pursue leaving the U.S. to become a foreign missionary.

I believe God might be speaking to me in this same way about having another child. And, for me, the prospect of another child carries many of the same doubts and fears that foreign missionary work does (and I know this because I considered such work for many years - only resulting in short-term projects in Mexico, Guatemala, and India - but of course my life isn't over yet). Am I mentally stable enough? Can I handle it? What about the health risks? Do you see? -- there are MANY comparisons for me between missionary work and bringing another child into the world. I wouldn't have thought so until this morning.

Since my most recent miscarriage, I've avoided pregnancy - not out of fear of another miscarriage, just out of fear of another child. And Kevin and I pray every day about our family size. And I've talked off the ear of every close friend. No one can really give me any wisdom - and God hasn't told me to "Go!" But why not go unless he tells me to stay? That talk by Marilyn Stewart 17 years ago entered my mind this morning as I was thinking about the decision yet again.

There are many ways that God can tell me I shouldn't have more children. But he hasn't done so. At this point, I think I'll try stepping out in faith and see what happens. I hope one day to have a testimony as powerful as Marilyn Stewart's - even in the realm of family size.

Training

I'm doing it again... the mile-high 5K in chilly temps with my swift and skinny father-in-law. Honestly, it sounds better to sit and sip hot cocoa on the deck overlooking the valley than it does to make myself dizzy putzing uphill way too early on a Saturday morning. Last year, it took us (me--- he could've gone much faster) 42 minutes to run that sucker! FORTY-TWO! That's ridiculous. My normal 5K time is 30. I've never come in under 30. Maybe that oughtta be my training goal between now and then - to do 5K sub-30.

Katie? Sharon-Anne? Do you hear me? I gotta go faster! And perhaps I should be running up at Mt. Charleston (like, at the peak) in order to properly prepare.

10 Things I Want to Remember About 10-10-10

10. How cute John looked with a blue Gatorade mustache all afternoon

9. My peaceful house when Kevin and the boys went to the park, the girls had a friend over, and I got to sit and read (once I did the dishes)

8. Bethanie spontaneously wrote out the alphabet on a scrap of paper and the J, N, and Z are backwards

7. I talked to my Uncle Don and was reminded I miss my extended family - we never see each other

6. Joe and a friend and Cayna laughing hysterically at themselves playing Wii - archery and track

5. Cayna setting up a funeral in her room for a Betty Boop doll - she asked to borrow the school chairs and some "beautiful music"

4. It's Columbus Day Eve - which was a bigger deal when I was a kid... poor Chris, are we beginning to forget you?

3. Kevin making a drawing of how we could set up the downstairs if we get brave and move things around

2. Running with my "team" of four neighbors and scheming to incorporate scorpion hunting into our mileage

1. One year, one month, and one day til 11-11-11 --- party at my house!

I Prefer To Shop Alone

Even all these hours later, it's not hard to remember exactly how I felt this morning, sitting in my minivan in my garage with all four kids about to go to Target and the grocery store. I dreaded it. One of those "I'd rather have a root canal" moments. Yet it HAD to be done. I was down to only one diaper for John (which, in this "Age of Costco" is almost unheard of - I can't remember the last time it happened). (P.S. If you're reading this and wondering why my three year-old isn't potty-trained, then you're not my friend anymore!) And my refrigerator was ghost-town desolate.

It all turned out okay, both stops. My kids aren't monsters. But it takes a tremendous amount of Mom energy to keep watch in four directions, ensuring that none of my offspring trips a senior citizen. And believe me when I tell you that there are a LOT of senior citizens in the aisles of the grocery store on an early Thursday morning. I'm happy to say none broke a hip as a result of the "hop from one color tile to the other color tile" game that my children were playing. It could have gone a lot differently.

Tonight I sat on the couch reading and noticed when Kevin dozed off around 9:40. I was fighting to keep my eyes open and thought I'd come up here to blog and then brush my teeth and be done with the day. But I was puzzled about why I was so tired. And then I remembered that moment in the garage - BEFORE the shopping trip. And it all came back to me. And I'm blogging about it so that one day I'll be reminded how enormously difficult it seemed, and how tiring it all was. And hopefully I'll laugh about it then.

Not Enough Adjectives

I'm not sure I could earn a living as a book reviewer. Do they just spend all day in a thesaurus? When trying to think how to describe a book, I find my otherwise creative mind thinking, "Great book," and that's about it.

How can I go deeper to tell you about Laddie? I'm fresh out of adjectives. How about I tell you what I learned by reading it?

1) I want to live in Indiana.
2) On a sweet little farm.
3) A long time ago.
4) I'm seeing a pattern emerging in the books DeMille included on his "read these first" list.
5) Equestrian care goes right along with classical education. Buy good books, buy a horse!
6) Good writing makes the characters come alive in your head.
7) I can read hundreds of pages a day of good writing.

This was book number three on my "syllabus". So far, I think I could place each of them on my list of "Lifetime Favorites." Admittedly, though, that list is fairly long.

On to The Lonesome Gods!

One is the loneliest...

For inspiration, I'm copying the post title from someone else's blog today.

In this case, it is apropos. I am without my husband these past few days, and it truly sucks. Thankfully, he returns tonight - but once again I am thankful beyond belief to have a partner in parenting... and a partner, period.

Yes, it's nice that his earlier alarm hasn't gone off as usual, but other than that, I can't think of one single advantage to having him gone. We don't even fight over the remote, so that's not an issue.

I'm tired, lonely, and counting the minutes til his plane lands.

Loved Little Britches

What a good book. I sure like selecting my reading from a list of tried and true titles. Little Britches made me love the characters as much as it made me want to be a better parent and person. As I read, I kept thinking about the reasons for reading classics I learned in A Thomas Jefferson Education: "Classics allow us to experience, in an intimate way, the greatest mistakes and successful choices of human history." (page 62) And "As we study the characters, real or fictional, in the classics, we are inspired by greatness, which is the first step to becoming great ourselves." (page 63)

Ralph "Little Britches" Moody, and his father, Charlie, are real characters who inspire greatness. Charlie is already great, and Little Britches wants to be, like his dad. So then, I, the reader, also want to be. I want to be like that dad! Like that mom! I want to live my convictions like they did. (I also wouldn't mind memorizing great writing like she did.) And I want everyone to know that Little Britches was a good book.

The last chapter almost had me sobbing. And now I need to let the whole story "soak in" and take its place in my memory before I start the next book: Laddie.