Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Negative Effects of Costco Consumerism on the Obsessive Compulsive Housewife

Heather Hall... are you out there? For some weird reason, I've never forgotten the sight of Heather's supply of Ziploc bags from Costco in her cupboard. There were like two hundred and ninety two boxes. And, oddly, I sort of envied the amount. "With that many Ziploc bags, you'd NEVER run out!" Isn't that the promise? The dream? Never run out... ahhhh, what bliss!

Since becoming a member of Costco, I don't think I've ever had fewer than two dozen rolls of toilet paper in my house. What am I afraid of? A sudden onslaught of diarrhea that simultaneously hits all six members of my family for two weeks straight? But that's the way it is. With access to huge quantities of toilet paper (and chicken, and juice, and Ranch dressing, and Ziploc bags, and cheesecake, and dental floss, and trash bags) - I am able to buy myself a little extra security in the material goods department. Yes, a loved one might fall victim to disease tomorrow, and that would leave me shaken, - but I will NOT be caught unawares without enough toilet paper.

(As a fascinating side note, I once spent six weeks in India. They do not use toilet paper over there, so I learned how to not use toilet paper. If toilet paper were to suddenly disappear from use, I could get along quite nicely with my left hand and a small water cup... but that's a story for another day.)

My whole point in writing this is to comment on how dependent I've become on buying large quantities of merchandise. And how good it makes me feel to be all stocked up on t.p.

Furthermore, I purchased the Kirkland (Costco) brand of facial tissue for the first time recently. It has this neat feature, highlighted on the giant box (containing 3,750 tissues): "Includes Colored Flag Sheets That Indicate 'Almost Empty'". The "Colored Flag Sheets" are a lovely shade of light blue, whereas the rest of the sheets are pure stark white. But the problem is, once that blue tissue pops up, I'm a nervous wreck! When will we run out? Should I get an extra box right now just to have nearby? Is it irresponsible of me to let a box stay "blue" too long?

See? The extra security I gained by having vast numbers of toilet paper rolls stacked in tall towers in my closets is COMPLETELY undermined by the new blue "Almost Empty" tissues.

I think Costco has me right where it wants me.
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