Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Pain of Beauty

If I want this blog to keep on the cutting edge of mom blogs, I have to address a few embarrassing topics. Today: unwanted facial hair.

It's true, I'm getting old. Something hormonal is happening, because out of nowhere, I have a mustache.
I have never had a mustache before, and wasn't sure what to do when I discovered it. So I did what any girl would do, I called up my friend and said, "I have a mustache. What am I supposed to do?" This friend is quite beautiful and quite bald-on-the-face and, I also happen to know, goes to professionals to keep her face looking young, hairless, and vibrant.

I need someone who knows their stuff, because I am a special case. My skin is super sensitive so when I've gone to get my eyebrows waxed (not out of necessity - you can't see them either - but more out of a desire to be like all the cool girls) the waxing and brow-yanking leaves wide red marks above my eyes that last a couple days. Here I am leaving a salon shortly after an innocent eyebrow waxing:
By the time the red marks subside, the eyebrow hairs have grown back, so it's all a big waste of time. Obviously, I don't want a wide red mark on my mustache-area, so I was hoping for hot tips from my beautiful friend. She told me, in her most salon-professional voice to go to Walgreens and buy a bottle of facial hair-removing product. I picked a mid-priced brand and went home and hid the bottle in a secret location. Yes, my husband has seen me give birth four times, usually with no makeup on, but he does NOT need to be alerted to the fact that I have a 'stache. 

I wasn't sure when would be the right time to work on this secret project, so I bided my time. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a head cold! With a runny nose all day, it suddenly occurred to me that this was the perfect time to experiment with the hair-remover! If all went wrong, I'd just blame it on the nose-blowing. Perfect! Well, don't try my method. I discovered that applying hair-removing chemicals to a sensitive upper lip, already chapped from tissue-burn, is like rubbing lemon juice on an open wound... with sandpaper.

You don't get an "after" photo. There's no point. I look no different. Except I have a red strip across my upper lip that looks like I've been guzzling cherry Kool-Aid. Hope my cold lasts for a while.


Blah Blah Blayla said...

Oh. My. Goodness. Can't stop laughing. You are hilarious! I'm reminded of Gustavo and our pre-race eyebrow wax. Peer pressure is a funny thing. =) So is facial hair, clearly.

Las Vegas Mama said...

Hey now you can go to a martini and mustaches party and you have the real deal!!! LOL I love this post btw. great pics!

gardengal1 said...

LOL :) I used to have a very real fear of getting a 'stache because my Aunt Tina has one - only she bleaches it, but I could still see it. Everyone always commented to me that I looked like Aunt Tina, which I didn't mind except for the whole 'stache deal - so far, so good!!