Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Three simple ways to save your housewife life

1) You may not think about this much, so it's a good thing I do. Bath towels are a veritable haven for pesky varmints like hairy spiders, scorpions, and in some parts of the country, possums. Even if you use your towel every twenty-four hours (or more), it doesn't take long for scary and potentially deadly creatures to take up residence therein. The solution? A simple shake. I've been employing this since a cockroach scare I had in the 90s. Most pests aren't expecting to be shaken, so they let go, fall to the floor, and can be squashed. (Except in the case of the possum. We don't have those out here, so I'm not sure what you do with a possum once you've dislodged him or her from your towel.) Note: it is essential to shake the towel away from your body. If you're not careful about this, the hairy spider/scorpion/possum might be shaken in such a way as to force it to latch onto one of your vulnerable body parts. Just be careful, is all I'm saying.

2) I have found no studies comparing the dangers of modern laundry rooms with the dangers of coal mines, but I think it's only a matter of time. With coal mines, there is the unavoidable danger of developing coalworker's pneumoconiosis. In short, black lung. And it ain't pretty. With laundry rooms, there is the unavoidable danger of developing lint lung. I can't prove it yet, but I think this might be just as nasty as black lung. You know when you go to clean out your lint filter in your dryer -- (you DO clean that out, right? If not, you are exposing your self to MANY other housewife dangers that I don't have time to get into right now, but they include blowing up your entire house) -- as I was saying, you know when you clean out that filter? -- zillions of lint particles are released into the air, and therefore your nose, and therefore your lungs. To combat lint lung, you can 1)wear a mask; 2)start using a clothesline outside; or 3)hold your breath while you clean out the filter. I recommend the third option since a mask will make you look like a dork and clothes on a clothesline are veritable havens for pesky varmints like hairy spiders, scorpions, and in some parts of the country, possums. If you start to feel light-headed while holding your breath, try cleaning the filter more often.

3) Methane is a gas produced from decaying organic wastes. Methane is not toxic; however, it is highly flammable and may form explosive mixtures with air. I'm wondering, on a given day, how much methane might be accumulating in my kitchen trash can containing PullUps, poopy diapers, rotten potatoes (I meant to bake them...), half-eaten sandwiches made partly from animal products, and mouse-pee-soaked cage bedding. My local gas company has a handy-dandy "Safety" section on their website for which I am grateful. It might have saved your life and mine. It states, as follows: IF YOU SUSPECT A LEAK: (or if you have a trash can similar to the one described above)
* Leave the vicinity immediately.
* Warn others.
* Do not light a match, start or stop an engine, use a phone, switch on or off lights, or do anything that might create a spark.

That's it, housewives! You heard it here first. Until you can hire a trained and properly-attired hazardous waste removal expert to take out your trash - get out of the house! I recommend going to Baskin Robbins. Just don't eat too much and clog your arteries and set yourself up for a heart attack. That's fodder for another post, my friends.
Post a Comment