I was reclining on a table at Desert Perinatal Thursday, waiting to hear for sure that there was no heartbeat in my tiny baby. A scripture verse kept repeating in my head: "... the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21.)
My little baby due 1/1/11 isn't to be on earth. Two little babies, actually - there were two yolk sacs on the ultrasound screen. I'm as sad as you'd think, but also thankful for a whole bunch of graces that have come my way from the Lord in the past few days.
One joy is that in the midst of this my brother and sister-in-law have been here, and they have cared for and served us over the whole weekend. Another is that my friend and neighbor Kristi pitched in enormously to make it possible to still throw Cayna's 7th birthday party on Friday despite my lack of ability to help.
Finally, today is our 12th wedding anniversary. Blessed be the name of the Lord! I'm holding on to blessings like this as I'm mourning the loss of those tiny lives I was looking forward to holding.
I've had a million-zillion other thoughts, and some would be fun to share, others not so. For now, the flowers on my table are for the baby(ies) and the dinner out tonight was for the anniversary. Or maybe the stuff of life isn't so easily separated and commemorated. It kind of all blends in together and the happy and the sad are not always so distinguishable. At least that's how I'm feeling right now.