Saturday, October 4, 2008

If My Life Were A Sitcom...

...it wouldn't be very successful. I'll admit it, there's just not enough "zing" in my every day to interest viewers. But perhaps someday soon my sparkling personality will attract producers and then they'll need help to "loosely adapt" my life to a half-hour show once a week on NBC. If this happens, I will suggest the following for setting and characters:

Me - a witty though neurotic housewife; educated but spends most of her day doing mundane tasks around the suburban home; strikingly good-looking but with a penchant for self-deprecation; slightly chubby though always training for a triathalon; employed by a newspaper syndicate always hungry for her next sharply-written column

My hubby - portrayed as harried; the show never reveals his true job title, but it has something to do with wastewater treatment; stellar father; picks up the pieces of his wife's neurosis

My private investigator - a worldly woman; questionable ethics; her skills are questionable since she is forever avidly searching for but unable to find my birth parents

My running partner - a spunky, slightly mouthy, tiny-bit-rebellious member of a conservative church; provides lots of therapy on thrice-weekly runs

My neighbors - long-time friends who tolerate my "issues" and lend support through the day-in, day-out routines of suburban living; characters in and of themselves:

*one is extremely environmentally conscious to the point of riding his bike everywhere, up to 45 miles a day; has a compost pile in the front yard bringing neighborhood association fines upon himself
*one has such extreme concerns for the weakness of the economy she has undertaken digging a shelter under the street and stocking it with food and cash
*one is the neighborhood "Uncle" kind-of-a-guy - knows everyone, likes everyone, and everyone likes him
*one is my exact opposite - she sees things the way they are with no need for over-analysis; no neuroses; but is sufficiently amused by me

And finally, my children - for the sake of television and the need for hyperbole, I have eight --- combined with the neighbors for our weekly Sunday-night dinners, there are twenty-five children. As with "Everybody Loves Raymond", for the sake of plot and to save money hiring expensive child-actors, much of the child-connected plotlines are secondary.

So... would you watch?
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