Book Club Substitute

I've shared a tiny bit here and there (probably more on my former blog, may it rest in peace) about this book I'm reading called Life Giving Love.

Tonight our book club (which I formed to have some group therapy as I "tackled" this book) is not meeting because I have a cruddy cold. But we were scheduled to discuss Section V. Loss of Life: Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infertility, and Sterilization. Doozy of a topic. Truthfully, all the chapters in this book deal with doozies. And, since my "group" is not here to listen tonight, I'm blogging.

First. There is HEAVY mention of communion of the saints along with the apparent belief that unborn babies must be in heaven. Having had three miscarriages, including one set of twins, this means I have four souls in heaven with some connection to me. This isn't vastly different from what I learned B.C. (Before Catholicism) except for the idea that these children of mine can be intercessors for me, for my family right now. I'm still working at wrapping my mind around this and good luck to me - it's a big concept. Further, in consistency with celebrating that life begins at the very moment of conception, I've heard in a lot of Catholic circles (not just the book) that parents are encouraged to name their children even when they die while still in the womb. Even if I weren't Catholic, this makes good sense to me considering what I have learned about the grieving process and the mother/child bond.

In my mind, I named the twins years ago. I just gave them the names I had chosen for a boy and a girl. I don't know what came first, the names, or the belief that I carried one boy and one girl. Either way, I've always thought of them with these names.

But the babies lost right before Joseph and right before John have never been named. So... as I finished this part in the chapter I moseyed up to my husband and asked him, as nonchalantly as possible: "Do you think we should name our children in heaven?" (He gets these types of questions all the time, right? It helps that he knows what book I'm reading.) He nodded. If you know Kevin, this seems typical. I'm not going to spring some big question on him and get a formed reply until he has time to think. So, I got the nod. Immediately, Joseph takes interest in our topic. He knows there have been two miscarriages (he will someday learn of the third, but I'll save that can of worms for the future) and he asked if he could help. I said yes, Kevin nodded. "Noah!" Joseph says, which sounds great to me. And only seconds later adds the middle name James. It was eery (as if this whole thing isn't somewhat eery) how "right" those names sounded. So Noah James it is. "But what about the other one?" he asks. "Go for it," I told him, and he says he's thinking of a Bible name (ya think?). "What are the disciples' names again?" which was my consideration with this last pregnancy (now John). I start listing, starting with the juiciest: "Thaddaeus; Bartholomew..." and Joe just shook his head. As soon as I said "Matthew," he agreed. "Matthew! And what about a middle name?" Now I started coaching him: "Who are some saints you like?" And he jumped in with "Michael". So Matthew Michael it is! I really am okay with the looniness of all of this. It does my heart good, even after all this time, to have named Noah James and Matthew Michael. About twenty minutes later, Joe pops up with, "What if they were girls?" Good question, son. I'll add it to the list.

Since naming Noah and Matthew last night, I've barely made it into the infertility chapter. It's one of those books that I need more time to read, so that I can deal with all the heavy subject matter-- praying, meditating, reflecting... it's one of those lives.